A Drunken Heart Speaks a Sober Mind
by Rosette-Cullen
Summary: For Vixen1836, happy birthday! A teensy tiny bit of a crack fic. AU, rated M for all the right reasons.


**A/N: Today marks a very special day in history. Vixen1836 was born and graced us all with her wonderful sense of humor and guiding words. Happy birthday, and may it be good. :)**

**Thank to LadyInBlue6 for the beta**

**Happy birthday, Tiff, from both me and Kitschisme. **

* * *

I was two seconds away from throwing something. I wanted to grab the ugly green and yellow vase from the Grecian marble stand by the couch and smash it into the wall. The sound of shattering china made a wicked smile appear on my lips.

Maybe a better idea would have been to smash the vase into Alice's head. That would most likely do more harm than I wanted to have put onto me, but for those five seconds of impact it would be worth it.

"Don't," Alice snapped and pushed my shoulders into the couch.

"I swear to God," I muttered.

"If you say one more word, Bella, so help me God…" she trailed off and resumed pulling my hair into different directions. I had restricted my complaints because I had somehow agreed to do let her do my hair, but now I regretted it completely.

"Who gets yelled at on their birthday?" She threw a curling iron on the table and it made me jump. I mashed my lips together, decidedly not speaking.

"You're going to look beautiful when I'm through with you. And not the girl-next-door kind either. I mean you're going to look like one of those hot girls who you can't tell if she's a hooker or a business woman."

I looked up at her and furrowed my brows. "I don't think Edward likes hookers."

"He'd like anything I put you in," she said dismissively. "I could put you in a potato sack and he'd ask for sour cream and cheese."

I played with the diamond on my fourth finger and twirled it in different directions, contemplating. "_Do _you think he likes hookers?"

"Don't be stupid," she snorted. "Every guy likes hookers."

--

Rosalie had ripped apart my toes earlier in the evening, but my decreased toenail length made it easier to cram my feet into the silver pumps. I had argued against the ones with holes in the front, seeing as how that defeated the purpose of a shoe.

Seeing as how it was my birthday I got to pick out my own dress. I had honestly thought that it would be an independent and moving moment where the heavens would open and rain would fall from the sky like a shower of holy luck.

Alice had placed a blue slinky thing with straps and strings all over it and the heavens opened up into a golden shower.

I had eighties rock hair, big and wild with curls in the strangest of places. I looked like I should be doing the walk of shame down some college kid's hallway. Rosalie told me I looked refined and classy, like I didn't care if I looked like shit in a five thousand dollar dress—

_Whoa_

—or if I looked like I was about to get thrown and, ehem, thoroughly plowed.

Two hours into the Bella Barbie Extravaganza I was itching from all the hairspray and aching for some foot gels to absorb the painful blow of my shoes. Esme gave me some diamond earrings—dangles and studs—with little details of flowers woven on what I assumed was platinum.

"Tone it _down_ please," Jasper mumbled from the couch. He had a large tome in his hand, highlighting things within the text. He was teaching part time at a local college and often read through dozens of books before finding facts he deemed useful for his students to learn.

"Sorry," I sighed. "Just anxious."

He looked up, a painful expression twisting his face. "Do whatever you have to in order to get Edward calmed down."

"What do I have to do?" I yelled, frustrated. "Take off my shirt and draw arrows?"

"That would be a start," he said seriously and returned to his book.

Emmett was bent over an ant colony, watching the orange juice from my breakfast seep into the sand and forcing them to evacuate. He looked up at me and pursed his lips.

"If you do it all the time why are you guys still prudes?" he asked with honest curiosity.

I plopped down beside him and crossed my ankles on the coffee table. "I don't know, we're not married _yet_."

"A week," he scoffed. "You know what a week is to a vampire? It's like an hour. I could stand on my head for a week."

"Dare you," Jasper said, still engrossed in his book.

"Deal," Emmett agreed, undeterred. "He's only feeling guilty because he _has_ to; it's what the 'proper gentleman' would do."

"It's my birthday," I stated.

"Damn right it's your birthday," Emmett reiterated.

"I'll get what I want!"

"That's right you will," Jasper piped up.

I stood and left the room, eager to find Edward and get what I wanted. Alice was in the foyer, my jacket in hand. I grabbed it and slipped it over my shoulders. Rosalie was stationed by the door, a tube of lipstick in her hand; she applied some to my dry lips and sent me on my way with a slap to my rear. It felt like I was going to play the super bowl, not get laid.

Edward was waiting by his sleek black car, the one that I knew I was bound to die in. The passenger side door was open and he was standing next to it in a dark gray suit. The top button of his shirt was undone and the matching tie slipped down in a tired way. My mouth salivated at first sight.

I didn't even bother to hide my lust, there was no point. I wanted him so badly in that moment I wasn't sure the arrows were needed. I could have just dropped onto my knees, unhinged my jaw and clasped my hands together in a prayer.

He smiled in a tightlipped way, the one he used when he was reluctant to tell me 'no', and motioned for me to get in the car. I walked over, trying to be graceful and elegant but it was a lost cause with my heels and the gravel on the ground. Edward watched me, not bothering to reach out a hand and help the birthday girl walk to her carriage.

In a second he was in the car, and had the engine starting. We were down the driveway quickly and onto the winding roads.

"Where are we going?" I asked, trying to avoid the sight of blurred shrubbery.

"Chow Bella," he smirked.

I grimaced and looked out the window. I didn't like the fancy places outside of Port Angeles, I felt like every eye was trained on the unrefined bloke walking in with a trust-fund-fiancée to treat her with riches.

I leaned my head against the glass and within the hour we had made it to a large establishment. It looked like a palace, I was completely entranced by the gold shimmering lights that made the white marvel ground look like a cloud. Edward popped open my door and smiled down, watching me in amusement as I studied every feature of the castle. It couldn't have been a restaurant.

I was vaguely aware of him grabbing hold of my hand and towing me along behind him. The valet took his keys without prompting and the server at the front of the building stood at attention, leading us towards the back to a private table. The food on the tables looked so mouthwatering I almost took a detour to dine with an elderly couple.

"Here are your menus, I'll be back to your orders in a moment," the server said.

Edward pulled out my chair and I sat down, pulling my napkin over my lap. I opened the pasta section and immediately spotted the ravioli drenched in sauce and cheese.

"I think you're trying to fatten me up," I accused.

"You'd still look gorgeous," he answered gracefully, melting me with that damn stare. My heart fluttered and my pelvis rocked forward into the chair.

"When my thunder thighs are wrapped around you I don't think you'll be so glad."

His eyes widened minutely and his head fell forward a bit at the tiniest hint of sex. I sighed and rolled my eyes as the waiter stopped by, delivering a bottle of chardonnay and two glasses. I placed my order and Edward tentatively asked for a salad with bleu cheese dressing.

"Now you're trying to get me drunk," I fired.

"That I am," he amended. "I have to agree with Emmett, it's an experience you should have, and I don't think this will lead to a life of alcoholism."

"No, I'm sure sexual repression will block that addiction," I mumbled as I took a sip from my glass. I puckered my face and stuck my tongue out in a childish face but went back in for more, draining half the glass. It wasn't all that bad.

Edward didn't look amused by my previous comment but kept his mouth respectfully shut. By the time the food came I was just finishing my second glass and feeling pretty warm.

"I want the band to play something," I said to the waiter. He scurried off to where they were playing on the stage and whispered something in the lead singer's ear.

"I thought you didn't like attention," Edward chuckled.

I pursed my lips and cocked my head. "Well, I've got to get it somewhere else. You know, it's been a month and all…"

"Bella," he snapped and I sighed. "This isn't up for discussion."

"It's my birthday," I whined.

"Birthday!" I looked over, startled at the sudden outburst and my glass of chardonnay splashed over the front of my dress.

Everyone was silent and when the lead violinist saw that I was about ready to start bawling he leaned forward for a napkin. I shoved his hands away and refilled my glass, giving the cellist the stink eye.

"Play something!" I yelled, infuriated, embarrassed and more than a little drunk. Edward was supposed to stop me at some point but maybe if I let my inhibitions go he'd get naked tonight.

The violinist started to play a few chords and Edward looked mortified. I covered my mouth with a hand and looked between him and the frightened band. _My Sharona_ in a classier quartette version floated over the room. Between giggles I ate ravioli and made blatant goo goo eyes at Edward.

When they were done with the song we didn't request another.

"At least someone enjoyed that," Edward muttered. "I'm glad to see you're in a better mood."

I looked down at the front of my dress. There was a stain that was pretty obvious and my nipples were standing at attention, directly at Edward. "My clothes are wet," I mumbled. I pressed my arms together and made more cleavage. Edward's fingers nervously tapped against the table.

"We should go if you're done," he said.

"I'm not done," I quickly answered and motioned for another bottle, mine was too warm.

"No," Edward said and intercepted the glass. "No more, the last thing I need is for you to be blitzed before we get home."

"Why? Because Emmett will make fun of me? I don't care, it's not like there's anything waiting at home anyway."

He sighed frustratedly and handed me the glass. I didn't drink from it, though. I watched him for a couple minutes, observing his mannerisms. His hair was everywhere from his hands, he even bit his lip a couple of times.

"Oh my God!" I gasped.

"Shush, Bella," he hissed.

"You want it, too!" I was right! I knew he couldn't keep up his resistance!

"Yes, fine, I want it, too," he admitted. "But I have a rule, some conditions. I figured getting you _buzzed_ would be a good way to get you to agree."

"That's not even true."

"I'm turning your original birthday present into a wedding present. In exchange we'll copulate, but this is the last time before the wedding."

I mashed my lips together and he did the same with his eyes. "Can we leave now?" I asked hastily.

"Do you agree with my terms?"

"Hell yes I agree, to the car!" I pulled him up from the table, not paying attention to the bill he threw at our server or the band.

He floored the car and in no time we were on the highway. I didn't bother with my seatbelt; instead I leaned up and licked his neck. I thought of myself as a cat, and since I couldn't lick my own junk he needed to help with the job.

"Sit down," he groaned.

"Hurry," I whined and sat back in my seat. My thighs were rubbing together, already flooded with anticipation. I yanked off my panties once we hit the merge for Forks.

Somehow, beyond my hazy brain capacity, the car made it to the driveway and we were flying up the stairs of the house and then up to his room. I bounced on the bed a couple of times as he threw me down.

It was too dark to see anything but he was behind me. The speed from before slowed down and I could feel my heart pumping, rocketing through my veins. Edward's hand touched my stomach over the wetness from my spilled drink and slowly bunched the fabric up under my breasts. Every wrinkle moved against my nipples as he pulled it above my head. I sighed and fell back against his chest.

"Maybe I shouldn't," he muttered.

"You promised," I said seriously.

"You're drunk, Bella. You reek of alcohol and your senses are impaired."

"The only thing I'm starting to think is impaired is your ability to _get up_," I accused and immediately cut short anything else to grin at his hands palming my breasts and his groin grinding against me. "That's better."

"I can get it up," he said seriously. "Just watch how _up_ I get it."

I lifted my arms to clasp around his neck, keeping him to me and his hands worked wonders on my flesh. My nipples ached as he finally made contact, tugging against the puckered flesh. I pushed my ass back and reveled in the feel of the sheet bunched up and rubbing against my groin. My hips rocked back and forth and soon enough Edward stopped me.

I was about ready to scold him for being a killjoy, but he was beneath me then. The top of his head poked out from between my legs and his nose nudged my clit. I moaned loudly and when his hands commanded me to move down, I sat on his face.

His tongue worked miraculously on my clit while his finger entered me, followed by its cohort. I could hear the slick noises they made with every pass, combined with the sounds of Edward sucking and licking.

He pulled out when I was almost ready to let go and explode. But he was behind me again, and this time when he sat cross legged he was naked and pulling me onto his lap. He lined himself up and I was seated on him, plunging deep inside of me.

I gasped and grabbed onto his thighs. Holy… it was like a fixture inside of me, like Edward lied and his cock grew three sizes to hit every nook and cranny. And when he moved the cold didn't even register. The inferno inside me burned and must have set him on fire.

I bounced on my own, eager for the things I was feeling. His hands came up and squeezed at my breasts, tugging at my nipples and occasionally guiding my hips.

"Oh… God… it's so good," I muttered.

His face buried into my shoulder and he said something unintelligible. He sped me up, his fingers coming around to rub at my clit. The speed didn't register but the feeling was sublime. My orgasm came up on me fast and hard. I didn't see it coming but it rocked every muscle in my body into spasms.

Edward roared into my neck, his head thrown back shortly after and grunts of his orgasm pummeling the quiet of the room.

Moments after we were cuddle together, spooning, I turned on a light to find the aspirin in case I needed it in the morning. I noticed, though, in the corner an assuming mirror was placed on the dresser, directly in front of the bed.

I threw the aspirin down and straddled his thighs. "Let's go for round two?"


End file.
